How can a person be so addicted to control? Why must it ALL be as perfect as "I" can make it? How many times must I surrender something? How many times do I have to mess things up before I finally GET IT--before I finally get that I haven't even come close to "getting it"? Do we all struggle with something...always? Guess the answer to that is without a doubt..YES!
I journal a lot. Since I FEEL like I'm just sitting and rotting in a land of wonder, worry and worthlessness...I decided to go back and look at the "state of things" from the journal entries at the beginning of each of the past few years. I share these...realizing they are private and I admit some trepidation. Hopefully though, someone else is helped by reading how brutally honest I can be. :) Notice these aren't summaries of years past but just the first journal entry of each year. They are as follows:
Jan 13, 2004: Dear God, I've been hurt. There is an ache that goes bone deep. An ache that penetrates the soul. An ache that bleeds. I have that ache. It isn't new. I've had it a really long time. The bone chilling pain that rocks my reality & I'm confused. I wonder how to respond the "right" way. To respond or not. Slowly, ever so slowly I'm dying. One piece at a time, sometimes a big piece sometimes a little piece, but each piece falls hard. The empty ache inside gets bigger & bigger...and I die. I'm haunted by an overwhelming, penetrating, aching sadness. I am going to melt one day and fall into the floor in a blop of tears. My memory of the past 3 years is agony. Hard, piercing, choking agony. I feel like if I relaxed for one second I would never get it all back together. I feel like a failure. God, hold me now. Hold me and fill the empty gaping hole in my soul. I'm tired. I hurt. I don't like dying on the inside--alone.
(Wow, tough day...or year...or years.)
Feb 7th, 2005: I'm in the house now, we've been here over a month and I've not written a word. Time flies. A year or more in the making and all that waiting--and here we sit in the house. I actually had no idea what it would be like. It is nice.
Today, instead of starting out with tired, I'll go with another adjective. Drained, desperate, beside myself?! How much sorry-er do I feel for myself? I think I'll stop belly-aching and just hush. I haven't had anyone to just talk to--you know? Just someone to REALLY talk to. Oh, there! I am needed! The washer calls me--beep beep, come here Angie--beep, beep!
(Not so bad...)
Jan 1st, 2006: New Year. New Year. New Year. I started out so positive. Sick kids again. I've worked like crazy today. Laundry, laundry, cleaning, & still more to do. Last week I worked for hours preparing a lesson for this Sunday School class I thought You were telling me to start and I was so excited. It didn't amount. No one came. I don't know what I expected. Well, yes I do, I expected to see that there was some result of all my work. I expected--hoped that my sincere efforts would pay off. I know God is all powerful & I was just thinking He was gonna part the Red Sea for me. And, even as I write this--I hear "yet", I didn't part the Sea for you "yet". I'm just anxious and my anxiousness doesn't speed up God's timing. Oh, do I still trust God? Do I still believe Him capable? God is ABLE to do as HE promises. He loves me. He doesn't want me to hurt.
Jan 4th, 2007: Are you afraid that you have messed up God's plan for your life? Is He all powerful or not? Are you afraid God is going to forget a passion He gave you? Who is in control here? Do you give yourself so much importance that you can thwart God's plan? You trust Him don't you? This gift & passion isn't even yours! It's His. To be used for His glory. Doesn't He like your actions to reflect Him? Submit!
Oh God, I confess anger and frustration. I confess to you all the negativity that spews from my ever running lips. Jesus, don't give up on me.
Jan 11th, 2008: Stagger not at the promise of God through unbelief, be strong in faith, giving glory to God and be FULLY persuaded that what God has promised me, He is ABLE to preform. Don't doubt. Don't try to do it for Him. Do be strong. Do give glory to God.
I do doubt. I do think that my actions, abilities, dedication, strength, and vision will determine my living out what I know God has for me. I think it is all in my hands. He made me. He gave me the gift, then the vision, and now I want to take it and run and see what my strength and abilities will get me. How rude. Stop and listen to Jesus. Not other people, not the church...Jesus! Do what you know from God, Angie. Ignore the rest. Wait on God's perfect plan for you! Stay in the Word. God ALONE is your authority!
(Might as well be honest & then give myself a pep talk!)
Jan 19th, 2009: I heard from a girl today that I went to a conference with years ago. It was a speakers/writers conference and she was in my small group. She befriended me when I felt like I was in a sea of vipers--she and her sister. Actually, they were the first ones who told me that they saw me in a speaking/teaching ministry (confirming what I thought God had already told me) and encouraged me to keep teaching. How about just encouraging me PERIOD! How nice that was! But...now she's published a book and I feel like I've been sitting around twirling my fingers. Without getting my act together and pushing forward I'll spend eternity sitting on my duff! Or will I? Maybe I just need to wait silently on God? Maybe I'm too anxious! I feel like SCREAMING!!
(That seems to be a prevailing theme...)
Jan 2, 2010: The day after a holiday so I worked today. Lord, I don't hate what I'm doing. I even enjoy it. I'm good at organizing and record-keeping. I'm just not passionate about it--not one dab of passion about keeping books anywhere in my body. It feels like it has no lasting value. Its not a bad thing that I'm doing with my life--it's just not the right thing. I want to move on with the direction that I think I should go in but that kinda seems like it'd mess up being able to make a house payment. Ha. Just a small problem. And, while I'm at it, I want a church home. I want something that feels like family. I want to go and worship you and have my life back in ORDER! I just want to grow in you. I want every second of my day to be you, learning you, breathing you, talking you, sharing you, praising you, seeking you--just YOU! Strengthen me God. Bring out the "me" that's in there. The "me" that you fashioned.
So...here I sit in January 2011 and I'm not sure what all the previous years say about the "state of things" today except that I know why I'm still here...God obviously has lots of work left to do on me! I can see I've made progress in some areas and I've messed a lot of things up. Somethings haven't changed at all...I'm glad God doesn't give up on me.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Corn.
I realized a few weeks ago that even though I was raised on a farm and did lots of canning in the summer, my girls aren't being raised that way and a part of who "we" are is going to be lost in their generation. We were at mamas and the pea sheller was out when Abby asked..."What's that thing do?" Seriously? That "thing" is a pea sheller and one of the greatest inventions EVER! So, once over the shock of their lack of exposure, I made the decision to tackle corn this year (even though I hated canning corn growing up). The girls, Devant & I spent the entire day Saturday moving through the process with the help of mama and daddy. We broke the corn, shucked the corn, silked the corn, blanched the corn, cut the corn off the cob AND bagged the corn. Between 65 and 70 bags to be exact. Each person helped along the way...yes, even Laney. It was awesome. The girls learned so much.
Secretly, I was excited to get to put up corn and not have to silk. Growing up when the "corn" day came around the only job I was "old enough" to do originally was to silk. Then, somehow...I never graduated from silking. I HATE silking. I'd decided that with 3 capable girls certainly I could finally now graduate from silking. Wrong. When all you've done is silk your entire life...you get really good at it...and fast!! So I'm the master silker and master cutter off the cob! :) Might as well take pride in my life-time accomplishment.
The corn is done and now hopefully, not only have the girls been exposed to the actual process but also share in the satisfaction from the work they put into it. All winter long they can feel a sense of pride each time we eat the corn knowing they had a hand in it. Guess that's true of any job I let them do. Sometimes when my OCD is acting up I would rather just DO the job myself. That way I know its done the way I wanted it done and I won't have to take the time to have them do it over...or me re-do it. My ever so wise husband said that not only was I robbing them of the experience and learning but I was also robbing them of the pride and accomplishment that comes from doing a job yourself. True enough Devant. This summer they started mowing the grass, washing some clothes and now they've canned corn.
Bravo girls!
Secretly, I was excited to get to put up corn and not have to silk. Growing up when the "corn" day came around the only job I was "old enough" to do originally was to silk. Then, somehow...I never graduated from silking. I HATE silking. I'd decided that with 3 capable girls certainly I could finally now graduate from silking. Wrong. When all you've done is silk your entire life...you get really good at it...and fast!! So I'm the master silker and master cutter off the cob! :) Might as well take pride in my life-time accomplishment.
The corn is done and now hopefully, not only have the girls been exposed to the actual process but also share in the satisfaction from the work they put into it. All winter long they can feel a sense of pride each time we eat the corn knowing they had a hand in it. Guess that's true of any job I let them do. Sometimes when my OCD is acting up I would rather just DO the job myself. That way I know its done the way I wanted it done and I won't have to take the time to have them do it over...or me re-do it. My ever so wise husband said that not only was I robbing them of the experience and learning but I was also robbing them of the pride and accomplishment that comes from doing a job yourself. True enough Devant. This summer they started mowing the grass, washing some clothes and now they've canned corn.
Bravo girls!
Friday, March 26, 2010
New Beginning
I love new beginnings. I really do. I'm venturing into one now. I'm working (volunteer style) from home. I desperately needed to be back home. Too many reasons to list why. The point is, I'm here now. Thank you God. I've learned a few lessons and I'm sure I'll only learn more. From where I sit now I can make a few observations. I am not exactly like anyone else. I am me. However, there are basic truths about me as a person, as a woman, that I share with all of you. I started this blogging wanting to open wide the door that stays closed and locked preventing all of us from seeing the real person in each other. Breaking down the wall, taking off the masks, moving toward me being able to be me and you being able to be you. I hoped to do that by not being afraid to put out there what was real in my life and how I made my way with God carrying, dragging, and teaching me. (And I have done that. I have been honest. I have shared struggles...just keep reading...)
Until now, I've waited to post things as I had "A-ha Moments". As I would have an experience and end the experience with a clear lesson or Word that I felt God had shown me in direct response to that particular experience, I wanted to post it here. I wanted you to see that I struggle with the same things you do...but look what God showed me in the midst of this struggle. Needless to say...that's not really how my life is. No doubt I have the experiences...but they don't always end one with a clear "life lesson" before I find myself right smack dab in the midst of another experience. Therefore, I have been struggling with things to post. I wanted my posts to be helpful. To share with you what I'd learned by summing it all up like a story from beginning to end. I realize now that just sharing the experience with you will be help in and of itself.
Without going back and reading my old posts...I think I mentioned that I wanted to communicate with you just as if we were chatting or if I were writing you a letter. I journal ALL THE TIME and much of my journaling is as if I were writing a note to Jesus himself. As I was reading over what I wrote just this morning, I realized that what I had hoped to do with this blogging, I really wasn't doing at all. I'm making posts, but they are too "prepared". They aren't just spitting the stuff out there like my journaling is. I'm not just sharing & talking, letting you see inside a scared, fragile, grouchy, chaotic woman that maybe on some level you can identify with. Of course, I want to protect the privacy of me and my family, so some discretion is necessary. I know now that not every post will have a solution or a signed, sealed, and delivered lesson in a package. I maintain that I will be honest. Freeing myself up not to have to have a "lesson" attached hopefully I will have a lot more to say. After all, I experience a lot more than I learn. :)
I'm not going to make any promises about how often I'll get something posted because as I have seen already, I've not done a very good job. I'll just hope to surprise you.
So...Becca...here's the post I said I'd post...no lesson, just honest, just me. (By the way, I was surprised that anyone would even notice I hadn't posted in a while because I didn't even realize anyone was reading. Thanks for reading.)
Until now, I've waited to post things as I had "A-ha Moments". As I would have an experience and end the experience with a clear lesson or Word that I felt God had shown me in direct response to that particular experience, I wanted to post it here. I wanted you to see that I struggle with the same things you do...but look what God showed me in the midst of this struggle. Needless to say...that's not really how my life is. No doubt I have the experiences...but they don't always end one with a clear "life lesson" before I find myself right smack dab in the midst of another experience. Therefore, I have been struggling with things to post. I wanted my posts to be helpful. To share with you what I'd learned by summing it all up like a story from beginning to end. I realize now that just sharing the experience with you will be help in and of itself.
Without going back and reading my old posts...I think I mentioned that I wanted to communicate with you just as if we were chatting or if I were writing you a letter. I journal ALL THE TIME and much of my journaling is as if I were writing a note to Jesus himself. As I was reading over what I wrote just this morning, I realized that what I had hoped to do with this blogging, I really wasn't doing at all. I'm making posts, but they are too "prepared". They aren't just spitting the stuff out there like my journaling is. I'm not just sharing & talking, letting you see inside a scared, fragile, grouchy, chaotic woman that maybe on some level you can identify with. Of course, I want to protect the privacy of me and my family, so some discretion is necessary. I know now that not every post will have a solution or a signed, sealed, and delivered lesson in a package. I maintain that I will be honest. Freeing myself up not to have to have a "lesson" attached hopefully I will have a lot more to say. After all, I experience a lot more than I learn. :)
I'm not going to make any promises about how often I'll get something posted because as I have seen already, I've not done a very good job. I'll just hope to surprise you.
So...Becca...here's the post I said I'd post...no lesson, just honest, just me. (By the way, I was surprised that anyone would even notice I hadn't posted in a while because I didn't even realize anyone was reading. Thanks for reading.)
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Do-over!
I'm not doing so good at this blogging thing...gosh, who steals all my time!? (Ha! See the earlier post about time stealers!) This time of the year is so busy and it leaves me craving SILENCE!
Since I've posted last every single person in my house has been sick. There are a lot of things that I am not, but I like to think I'm a pretty compassionate person. I love being a mama and taking care of my children, loving on them, doing for them...and the same goes for my husband. BUT...who knew I'd be called on to dish compassion out for soooooooo long! It's been a long time since we had sickness like that here. It was one of those times when people ask you, "so how is everyone doing..." and you don't even want to answer because the truth just seems too crazy to believe. Abby had mono...FOREVER, then a virus hit our home. Enough said. No well of sympathy is THAT DEEP! :)
Needless to say, it's been kinda crazy here. That combined with the Holiday's, I've got good reason (excuse/explanation) for blogging to have slipped to the back burner. Thankfully, everyone is almost 100%.
So...the new year is coming and I LOVE new beginnings. It's like I feel like I've been given a "do-over". What will I do differently this year? Well, since the mullie-grubs finally left (probably so I could take care of the sick & afflicted) I have been able to do some productive thinking finally. What did I come up with? Well, there is a brilliant statement that I can't remember right now that says something about continuing to do the same things but expecting different results. Hello...that would be my 2009! I kinda want to look in a mirror and say..."Well, duh Angie, what did you expect?!" I guess I expected Jesus to be sitting at my bar one morning with a to-do list typed up for me. Hmm...now what would that teach me or develop in me?
I decided this week that I had allowed myself to forget (again) that God has a plan for me. He has a plan for each and everyone of us. That's no big secret, right. I don't usually have a problem with passing judgement on you and your journey. The problem arises when I begin to beat myself up and get discouraged when my path isn't shaping up like I perceive yours to be. It's not you I judge, it's me. It's not that I want your journey, its just that I think I'm failing miserably at mine. What I'm learning is this...Your journey wouldn't fit me even if I tried it on...nor would mine fit you. My every experience & opportunity (and unfortunately even my every temptation) is taylor-made for me. Jesus designed my path to take me places, teach me things and develop within me what He has ultimately planned for me. How relieved I am to realize I'm not powerful enough to alter God's will for my life. It's not about just today or yesterday, there's a big picture here. There is a desired end result that I don't see yet...but I know who does! I cannot neglect the fact that I have responsibility for my actions and God always gives me a choice. It also goes without saying that there are consequences to my decisions and they are real...as are the lessons I learn through them. I cannot avoid consequences and sometimes they really hurt (me, people I love and Jesus). The amazing thing about grace is this, when doing this life thing with Jesus, He sticks around through difficulties too, even those that are self-inflicted.
What I hope to do differently this year is stop listening to that negative person living in my head telling me what a "major loser" I am. This year I'm going to offer an argument to that voice and remind it what God promises me as HIS child! This year, I'm going to listen when I hear Jesus whispering..."Go ahead baby girl, you can do this." When He says, "I made you for this Angie, now you go be the woman I know you are!" This year, I'm going to try to stand taller. When He says "I'm safe Angie...I will not hurt you...you are My child and I love you!" This year, I'm going to take deeper breaths and try to relax and rest in what HE knows is ahead for me. Finally, and perhaps most importantly for me, this year when I fall down, when I goof up, when I catch a glimpse of your journey and begin that negative dialogue, and it WILL happen, I'm going to allow Him to stand me up, to brush off my knees and to give me (another) second chance. Why? Because His love for me knows no limits.
Wow. See what we have to look forward to? You can't have messed up things so badly that Jesus has given up on you. Let me say that again, just in case you missed it. You can't have messed up things so badly that Jesus has given up on you. He's still there. He's still crazy about you. You can still trust Him. He's ready to carry you through this new year NO MATTER WHAT you think you might have done to fail. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that there isn't a "fail". He can redeem ANYTHING.
See, you and I get a free "do-over" with Jesus.
Since I've posted last every single person in my house has been sick. There are a lot of things that I am not, but I like to think I'm a pretty compassionate person. I love being a mama and taking care of my children, loving on them, doing for them...and the same goes for my husband. BUT...who knew I'd be called on to dish compassion out for soooooooo long! It's been a long time since we had sickness like that here. It was one of those times when people ask you, "so how is everyone doing..." and you don't even want to answer because the truth just seems too crazy to believe. Abby had mono...FOREVER, then a virus hit our home. Enough said. No well of sympathy is THAT DEEP! :)
Needless to say, it's been kinda crazy here. That combined with the Holiday's, I've got good reason (excuse/explanation) for blogging to have slipped to the back burner. Thankfully, everyone is almost 100%.
So...the new year is coming and I LOVE new beginnings. It's like I feel like I've been given a "do-over". What will I do differently this year? Well, since the mullie-grubs finally left (probably so I could take care of the sick & afflicted) I have been able to do some productive thinking finally. What did I come up with? Well, there is a brilliant statement that I can't remember right now that says something about continuing to do the same things but expecting different results. Hello...that would be my 2009! I kinda want to look in a mirror and say..."Well, duh Angie, what did you expect?!" I guess I expected Jesus to be sitting at my bar one morning with a to-do list typed up for me. Hmm...now what would that teach me or develop in me?
I decided this week that I had allowed myself to forget (again) that God has a plan for me. He has a plan for each and everyone of us. That's no big secret, right. I don't usually have a problem with passing judgement on you and your journey. The problem arises when I begin to beat myself up and get discouraged when my path isn't shaping up like I perceive yours to be. It's not you I judge, it's me. It's not that I want your journey, its just that I think I'm failing miserably at mine. What I'm learning is this...Your journey wouldn't fit me even if I tried it on...nor would mine fit you. My every experience & opportunity (and unfortunately even my every temptation) is taylor-made for me. Jesus designed my path to take me places, teach me things and develop within me what He has ultimately planned for me. How relieved I am to realize I'm not powerful enough to alter God's will for my life. It's not about just today or yesterday, there's a big picture here. There is a desired end result that I don't see yet...but I know who does! I cannot neglect the fact that I have responsibility for my actions and God always gives me a choice. It also goes without saying that there are consequences to my decisions and they are real...as are the lessons I learn through them. I cannot avoid consequences and sometimes they really hurt (me, people I love and Jesus). The amazing thing about grace is this, when doing this life thing with Jesus, He sticks around through difficulties too, even those that are self-inflicted.
What I hope to do differently this year is stop listening to that negative person living in my head telling me what a "major loser" I am. This year I'm going to offer an argument to that voice and remind it what God promises me as HIS child! This year, I'm going to listen when I hear Jesus whispering..."Go ahead baby girl, you can do this." When He says, "I made you for this Angie, now you go be the woman I know you are!" This year, I'm going to try to stand taller. When He says "I'm safe Angie...I will not hurt you...you are My child and I love you!" This year, I'm going to take deeper breaths and try to relax and rest in what HE knows is ahead for me. Finally, and perhaps most importantly for me, this year when I fall down, when I goof up, when I catch a glimpse of your journey and begin that negative dialogue, and it WILL happen, I'm going to allow Him to stand me up, to brush off my knees and to give me (another) second chance. Why? Because His love for me knows no limits.
Wow. See what we have to look forward to? You can't have messed up things so badly that Jesus has given up on you. Let me say that again, just in case you missed it. You can't have messed up things so badly that Jesus has given up on you. He's still there. He's still crazy about you. You can still trust Him. He's ready to carry you through this new year NO MATTER WHAT you think you might have done to fail. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that there isn't a "fail". He can redeem ANYTHING.
See, you and I get a free "do-over" with Jesus.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Mullie-grubs
I don't have anything earth shattering to share. Over the last couple of weeks I've wanted to add a post but I've not done it. My thoughts were...I want to be positive and uplifting with my posts. I want people to read them and feel better, feel encouraged. So, since I haven't felt very "encouraged" myself...my reservoir for "encouragement" has been dry. Solution? No posting. As I mentioned in my last post...I've had "be real & honest" seared into my brain. Finally, it occurred to me...what could be more "real" than sharing a full-blown case of the mullie-grubs. I'll try not to go on and on because it could easily cross right over into whining and I hate to be a whiny-hiney.
I'm just BLAH! Do I know that everyone feels this way sometimes? Yep. Do I know I have many things to be thankful for and that things could be much worse? Big yes! I am so grateful for God's mercy and I am fully aware that my help and hope comes through Jesus alone...BUT am I still struggling with attitude lately...YES!! Does that mean that my faith is shallow or that I'm less a child of God? NO WAY, not even maybe. I'm just stuck right now in a rotten, stinking mood! If I'm all about sharing my feelings when I'm up and singing praises...then maybe I need to be all about sharing when I feel like screaming until my throat hurts or crying for three days.
I wish I knew what brought on these mullie-grub viruses. More than that, I wish I knew the cure. I've told you before that I will occasionally psycho-analyze my thoughts and feelings...ok, more than occasionally. So while I'm stuck in this quick-sand, pitty pot, some days I criticize myself for being such a baby. Other times I'll look all around me for someone to blame for the way I feel. I'll bite a few heads off, usually only the heads of people I really love. I'll cry and be sure I'm the only one who feels as bad as I do. I might try talking it over with a couple of people hoping they have a magic cure in their pockets. Eventually, I decide I must just need to sleep more, eat more (or less), pray harder, exercise some, work harder or longer, study God's Word more, and SURELY THEN I'll be better. And while some of those are probably true and even great ideas, how's that working for me right now? It isn't.
It never fails that when I'm overtaken with this yuck, my skin is so thin! Everything hurts my feelings & my fuse is beyond short. I could take a hunk out of some one's flesh with my teeth. (Abby describes it as feeling like she needs to hurt someone with her hands. I LOVE that description!!) Something goes wrong that might go wrong all the time, but today, it's my fault. Someone says something to me that they've said a dozen times before, but today, it cuts right to the bone. A comment at dinner goes something like..."I liked the spaghetti better last time when you didn't put mushrooms in it" and I'm walking to the back door to chunk the entire pot out in the yard!! (I heard my grandmother did that once, how I'd love just one time to do something like that?! Teach them to say ONE word about my food! Ha!)
What is all this about? You know...I still don't know. I'm frustrated. I feel frumpy. I don't like any of my clothes. I'm angry. I still laugh. I'm still functioning. But sometimes I don't even have the "want to" to pick up my shoes and take them to the closet. I'm disappointed. I'm BUSY! I'm hurt. Did I mention angry? I still don't have answers. I still don't feel like a million bucks. But guess what...it's OK! I've decided as a woman I'm just gonna have days like this. I don't have to have answers or be superwoman! I can be MAD if I want to be! I can nurse hurt feelings (or pout, or whine...whatever you want to call it). I can need extra love. I can be whatever I AM and it is OK!
I know where my help comes from and together He'll work me through this. So, moral of the story: If for right now I'm grouchy or whiny...then, you know what, I'm just grouchy & whiny! Today maybe, not so good. Tomorrow though is a new day. Next week is a new week, next month a new month. I WILL be better. That I can KNOW. But for now...watch out! :)
I'm just BLAH! Do I know that everyone feels this way sometimes? Yep. Do I know I have many things to be thankful for and that things could be much worse? Big yes! I am so grateful for God's mercy and I am fully aware that my help and hope comes through Jesus alone...BUT am I still struggling with attitude lately...YES!! Does that mean that my faith is shallow or that I'm less a child of God? NO WAY, not even maybe. I'm just stuck right now in a rotten, stinking mood! If I'm all about sharing my feelings when I'm up and singing praises...then maybe I need to be all about sharing when I feel like screaming until my throat hurts or crying for three days.
I wish I knew what brought on these mullie-grub viruses. More than that, I wish I knew the cure. I've told you before that I will occasionally psycho-analyze my thoughts and feelings...ok, more than occasionally. So while I'm stuck in this quick-sand, pitty pot, some days I criticize myself for being such a baby. Other times I'll look all around me for someone to blame for the way I feel. I'll bite a few heads off, usually only the heads of people I really love. I'll cry and be sure I'm the only one who feels as bad as I do. I might try talking it over with a couple of people hoping they have a magic cure in their pockets. Eventually, I decide I must just need to sleep more, eat more (or less), pray harder, exercise some, work harder or longer, study God's Word more, and SURELY THEN I'll be better. And while some of those are probably true and even great ideas, how's that working for me right now? It isn't.
It never fails that when I'm overtaken with this yuck, my skin is so thin! Everything hurts my feelings & my fuse is beyond short. I could take a hunk out of some one's flesh with my teeth. (Abby describes it as feeling like she needs to hurt someone with her hands. I LOVE that description!!) Something goes wrong that might go wrong all the time, but today, it's my fault. Someone says something to me that they've said a dozen times before, but today, it cuts right to the bone. A comment at dinner goes something like..."I liked the spaghetti better last time when you didn't put mushrooms in it" and I'm walking to the back door to chunk the entire pot out in the yard!! (I heard my grandmother did that once, how I'd love just one time to do something like that?! Teach them to say ONE word about my food! Ha!)
What is all this about? You know...I still don't know. I'm frustrated. I feel frumpy. I don't like any of my clothes. I'm angry. I still laugh. I'm still functioning. But sometimes I don't even have the "want to" to pick up my shoes and take them to the closet. I'm disappointed. I'm BUSY! I'm hurt. Did I mention angry? I still don't have answers. I still don't feel like a million bucks. But guess what...it's OK! I've decided as a woman I'm just gonna have days like this. I don't have to have answers or be superwoman! I can be MAD if I want to be! I can nurse hurt feelings (or pout, or whine...whatever you want to call it). I can need extra love. I can be whatever I AM and it is OK!
I know where my help comes from and together He'll work me through this. So, moral of the story: If for right now I'm grouchy or whiny...then, you know what, I'm just grouchy & whiny! Today maybe, not so good. Tomorrow though is a new day. Next week is a new week, next month a new month. I WILL be better. That I can KNOW. But for now...watch out! :)
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I'm just gonna do it!
I typed this post Oct. 6 and never published it. Today is Nov. 6. How funny, I've been questioning it for a month. Geez! INSECURITY! Satan said..."Angie, come on, really...WHO CARES!?" Today I'm posting it because I say, "Hey Satan, I CARE!" So here it is.
Now I'm sitting down to type another "note" to my invisible audience of none or one or bunches. I'll post it as soon as I finish. :)
Here is the old, never published post...
OK...this is the deal. Off with the masks, away with pretenses. If I'm gonna do this, I'm going to be REAL! Do what? First and foremost, share what God teaches me. And then in doing that share how I feel as a woman, a wife, a mama, a friend...about all that I'm learning as I live. I want to be able to share with you the normal junk that everyone deals with but sometimes we're not so comfortable putting it out there. Only by God's grace and with the power of the Holy Spirit do I put His Word into action in my life. I am far from perfect and just like you I get hurt, mad, lonely, insecure, afraid, excited, selfish, nervous, proud, fulfilled, happy, discouraged & jealous. How cool would it be if by honestly sharing my journey you were more at ease knowing someone else feels just like you! I never want to offend anyone with my attempt to be completely honest. I apologize up front if that happens. Know, my intentions are sincere. I only want you to realize that you aren't alone. We're all on this journey so why not encourage each other along the way? I'm going to type this out just as if we were talking face to face. Hey,we might even develop a relationship! :) I give you my word that I will be completely honest, even when I find out I'm in the wrong. So...let's do this thing!
Hope some sweet person out there benefits. :)
Now I'm sitting down to type another "note" to my invisible audience of none or one or bunches. I'll post it as soon as I finish. :)
Here is the old, never published post...
OK...this is the deal. Off with the masks, away with pretenses. If I'm gonna do this, I'm going to be REAL! Do what? First and foremost, share what God teaches me. And then in doing that share how I feel as a woman, a wife, a mama, a friend...about all that I'm learning as I live. I want to be able to share with you the normal junk that everyone deals with but sometimes we're not so comfortable putting it out there. Only by God's grace and with the power of the Holy Spirit do I put His Word into action in my life. I am far from perfect and just like you I get hurt, mad, lonely, insecure, afraid, excited, selfish, nervous, proud, fulfilled, happy, discouraged & jealous. How cool would it be if by honestly sharing my journey you were more at ease knowing someone else feels just like you! I never want to offend anyone with my attempt to be completely honest. I apologize up front if that happens. Know, my intentions are sincere. I only want you to realize that you aren't alone. We're all on this journey so why not encourage each other along the way? I'm going to type this out just as if we were talking face to face. Hey,we might even develop a relationship! :) I give you my word that I will be completely honest, even when I find out I'm in the wrong. So...let's do this thing!
Hope some sweet person out there benefits. :)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Is there really time...YEP, if it's important!
Life is crazy busy...too busy in fact. When I'm too busy to love on those who mean so much to me then it is time to re-evaluate. Is re-evaluating something everyone does? Or just women? Or is that something only crazy people do? I think I psychoanalyze everything! I haven't gotten so bad that I'm giving meaning to the color underwear I put on each day...but it's getting VERY close! (I know you people out there that DO put meaning into your underwear color choice and I so use you as a marker for my level of insanity!)
This is where I sit. I'm learning that without being intentional about what I'll spend my time doing...things will compete for my time and then those things just TAKE it! I think about my individual "time takers" and I decide that not all the "time takers" in my life are BAD things. After further thought...OK, psychoanalyzing :), I have decided that while it may not be a bad "time taker" it also might not be the RIGHT "time taker". In actuality, if it is the right thing, wouldn't I be giving my time to it rather than having my time taken? See, this can get deep.
I love, I mean LOVE studying the Bible, learning some COOL stuff, and then sharing it with anyone brave enough to sit still for me. I have a few friends in my life who are nice enough to host a "get together" in their homes so that I can live out my passion. As I wrote up the lesson this week it began to take a form that snuck up on me and I didn't even see coming. By the way, it is sooooo amazing when Jesus shows me how powerful He really is and how small I really am. Anyway, as I worked what formed for the lesson was so simple in comparison to my grand vision. How appropriate and true to the nature of God. Why try to complicate things Angie, why?
The scripture was out of Ephesians (3:19) and it was about KNOWING the love of Christ. Without writing out the entire lesson, the main point was this. The "know" used in the verse is learning based on experience. What God taught me this week was, He wants each one of us to experience HIS love. The scripture goes on to say that 'love surpasses knowledge" and that means that His love is beyond our comprehsion, BUT, could it also mean that "knowledge" of Christ isn't enough to have a relationship with him? Can we really "know" His love until we experience His love. I can experience something today and even tell you every detail about it and you may have a really good idea about what it was like. However, until you actually experience the exact same thing, you can't KNOW what it is like. Same is true with Jesus. I can have all the knowledge about Christ that my brain can hold but yet not have really felt His love. We can take this a step further. Suppose I try to slather everyone that comes into my company with all my "knowledge" about Christ and all they leave me knowing is words. (Check out 1 John 3:18) Maybe I'm not allowing Jesus to love others through me because I've gotten carried away with "knowledge".
Hmmm...something for me to psychoanalyze. :) You see, my hearts desire is for everyone I know to leave me feeling loved and to know in any way I can communicate it that Jesus has some mad crazy love for us! I want you to know how important you are to me...how much I love you and how WAY much Jesus loves you! So, some of the "time takers" in my life aren't really bad things but am I spending enough time showing YOU some of Christ's love? Today, my answer would have to be no. Am I going to wear some condemnation over that, NO, I'm just going to try to be more aware.
New item on my to-do list--show YOU some Jesus love! Ha, "to-do list" that's kind-of a slap in the face to this entire post! STOP...leave me alone...I'm trying! :)
....and I Love you!
This is where I sit. I'm learning that without being intentional about what I'll spend my time doing...things will compete for my time and then those things just TAKE it! I think about my individual "time takers" and I decide that not all the "time takers" in my life are BAD things. After further thought...OK, psychoanalyzing :), I have decided that while it may not be a bad "time taker" it also might not be the RIGHT "time taker". In actuality, if it is the right thing, wouldn't I be giving my time to it rather than having my time taken? See, this can get deep.
I love, I mean LOVE studying the Bible, learning some COOL stuff, and then sharing it with anyone brave enough to sit still for me. I have a few friends in my life who are nice enough to host a "get together" in their homes so that I can live out my passion. As I wrote up the lesson this week it began to take a form that snuck up on me and I didn't even see coming. By the way, it is sooooo amazing when Jesus shows me how powerful He really is and how small I really am. Anyway, as I worked what formed for the lesson was so simple in comparison to my grand vision. How appropriate and true to the nature of God. Why try to complicate things Angie, why?
The scripture was out of Ephesians (3:19) and it was about KNOWING the love of Christ. Without writing out the entire lesson, the main point was this. The "know" used in the verse is learning based on experience. What God taught me this week was, He wants each one of us to experience HIS love. The scripture goes on to say that 'love surpasses knowledge" and that means that His love is beyond our comprehsion, BUT, could it also mean that "knowledge" of Christ isn't enough to have a relationship with him? Can we really "know" His love until we experience His love. I can experience something today and even tell you every detail about it and you may have a really good idea about what it was like. However, until you actually experience the exact same thing, you can't KNOW what it is like. Same is true with Jesus. I can have all the knowledge about Christ that my brain can hold but yet not have really felt His love. We can take this a step further. Suppose I try to slather everyone that comes into my company with all my "knowledge" about Christ and all they leave me knowing is words. (Check out 1 John 3:18) Maybe I'm not allowing Jesus to love others through me because I've gotten carried away with "knowledge".
Hmmm...something for me to psychoanalyze. :) You see, my hearts desire is for everyone I know to leave me feeling loved and to know in any way I can communicate it that Jesus has some mad crazy love for us! I want you to know how important you are to me...how much I love you and how WAY much Jesus loves you! So, some of the "time takers" in my life aren't really bad things but am I spending enough time showing YOU some of Christ's love? Today, my answer would have to be no. Am I going to wear some condemnation over that, NO, I'm just going to try to be more aware.
New item on my to-do list--show YOU some Jesus love! Ha, "to-do list" that's kind-of a slap in the face to this entire post! STOP...leave me alone...I'm trying! :)
....and I Love you!
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