Somehow I can easily remember all my hurts. In fact, somewhere deep inside me, there is probably a clip board with a neat list detailing each hurt and its corresponding offender. Some bigger, some smaller, each with its own scar. Some are confronted, settled, talked through, apologized for & forgiven. Some, not discussed, never apologized for, but mysteriously, through a work done in me by God, they too are completely forgiven. Then, there are those, not breathed about. Not spoken. Not admitted. Certainly never apologized for. Sure, they find themselves in prayers, in silent conversations with God...but only as a fleeting thought. Once in a while, for various reasons, the container that's been subduing the monster opens and a wild flush of brand new pain sweeps through me. Immediately, all over again, Hurt is out and wreaking havoc. Its fresh. I can feel it, smell it, & remember with unrelenting clarity. I'm able to wrestle Hurt back in his container and seal the lid. Whew! That's done...for a time.
What's that I feel now? It's kinda sour tasting. I feel kinda yucky. I might be a little bit angry. No, I'm a lot angry. I'm uncomfortable. I'm tired. I feel heavy. I might be stuck. If I didn't know better, I'd think I had concrete strapped to me. What did you just say to me? Don't push me because I am exhausted. I'm not sure why...but even still...don't you even breathe wrong. Watch your step because I can get down right vicious. Just try me.
Who is that whispering? God, is that YOU? What did you just say? Did I just hear the word "Forgive"? What are you bringing that up for? Oh, that. Yes God, she and I talked that through, she apologized to me and I gladly forgave her. Don't you remember when we did that? Or are you talking about that other thing. Well, you'll be pleased to know I managed to forgive that too. Look at me...I'm a forgiving machine. You are still whispering God, what is it that I'm missing? Oh stop. Surely you don't mean THAT! I mean, really God?! We hardly ever even talk about that. How did you even remember? I don't even like to bring it up. There is absolutely nothing good about even going there. Hurt lives there God, you know that. Why must we go knocking on his door and wake him up? Ugh! Don't you love me God? Why would you ask me to do go there when you know I don't like Hurt. You know how much I avoid him. It took me a long time to even make it through a day without being dominated by Him and yet you ask me to go see Him again? Besides, I've got that taken care of. Hurt is neatly hidden away. I never breathe a word of it to anyone else. Its done. Its easier if we just move on.
Oh wait, while I've got your ear God, I have been feeling kinda yucky. Maybe I'm working too hard. Maybe it's my age. But I am so tired. I feel rotten. Could you help me out with that? Give me some strength maybe? What did you say? Forgive? God, really now, you're kinda getting hung up on this "forgive" thing...geez! Can we not just talk about how I'm feeling and how I'm needing your help here...UNLESS... No. Surely not. This has to be a bad joke. You mean to tell me that keeping Hurt in that container all this time is draining me of energy? I'm tired because of Hurt?
Ok, I think I get it and I don't think I like it. Keeping Hurt hidden and contained, which I thought was just survival, you call unforgiveness? Well, what about MY feelings, God? After all, this is Hurt we are talking about. He didn't get his name because he drew it out of a hat. I've got some deep wounds here God. They still feel the same actually, no better, even after all this time. I clearly know that Your Word says you care about me and making me release Hurt from his container isn't something you do to someone you love. God, this isn't fun. What about my heart? I can't do this! Do what? Trust You? Hmmm, this won't be easy. But I am tired, this is heavy, and...You are God. I can do all things through You who gives me strength. Even things I clearly don't want to do!
I'm so glad I have you God. I'm so glad you care so much about my feelings. I'm grateful that you urge me to trust You enough to open that container. Let Hurt out. You assure me that you are going to heal my wounded heart caused by Hurt. You are going to heal me and since I finally quit fighting that container, you can take care of that festering bitterness that has slowly been oozing out and poisoning me. That's what I've been tasting...I knew it was sour. You are going to nurse me back to health while I put my faith in action and allow you to do two jobs at once...heal me and love through me...even those I deem unlovely. Let's be real. After all, I am, without a doubt, someone's unlovely.
I've always felt unforgiveness meant my feelings didn't matter, the wrong committed didn't matter, and I just needed to follow God's commands (drill sergeant style) and just put my hurt away. Be tough. Stand tall. Get over it! Then, I think, how much does that sound like a heavenly father who is "compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love, faithful, maintaining love to thousands, forgiving wickedness, rebellion, sin & punishing the guilty." (Ex 34:6) Seems I wasn't fully understanding of this "forgiveness" thing. Its really not mine to do...God does it through me. My job: Surrender it to a trustworthy, loving, mighty God.
I have to re-learn this lesson on unforgiveness just about every time I realize I've got another hurt stuffed in a container. The pain is so real. The anger so justifiable. The lie we believe is that if I let God heal my hurt then the "offender" did nothing wrong. That convincing lie keeps us fighting a hurt a long time. We have to know God is a just God. More than anything He loves us and when we hurt, He hurts. Surrendering and forgiving isn't giving your stamp of approval to all those wrongs that hurt you, but it is giving God access to your heart to heal you and love you with safe, unfailing love.
____________________________________________
Called & commissioned by God to serve Him through this ministry, I would be honored to come to speak to your group or church. I love to learn more about Jesus and His love and then share His Word with others.
Contact me:
Website www.justmorejesus.com and use the "contact me" tab.
Email me directly at: angie@justmorejesus.com
Facebook page: Just More Jesus
Mailing address: PO Box 1372, Brunswick, GA 31521
I look forward to hearing from you!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
...and now I just wait to see.
Faith. Scripture says it's being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) Well, let's see...I've "hoped" for years to share a loving Savior with hurting people and I have "not seen" how that could ever be possible. As you already know...I thought, hmmm...why not just try to start taking Him at His word??
Not sure why I was thinking that was going to be sooooo hard? I finished the Bio's with the help of several friends who were kind enough to send me amazing references. I've already mailed out the first "printing" (which I use VERY loosely because I sent the first ones out to churches of friends). Now, I've made a second "printing" and I am sending them to as many area churches as I can get the addresses. I'll gladly send one to any church anywhere. I just need the address. If you'd like one sent to your church just get me the necessary information. I'd be delighted! I've wondered if my mailman knows that he's in active missions?? :)
You can email me at angie@justmorejesus.com if you'd like information sent to your church or group. By the way...if you have any other comments, concerns, or questions for me--feel free to use the same email address.
We (that would be God and me) are actually doing this thing! I'll keep mailing out Bio's and making contacts until He says stop. We'll see what He has planned. I'm excited. I know the time is now. I know the message is His.
Not sure why I was thinking that was going to be sooooo hard? I finished the Bio's with the help of several friends who were kind enough to send me amazing references. I've already mailed out the first "printing" (which I use VERY loosely because I sent the first ones out to churches of friends). Now, I've made a second "printing" and I am sending them to as many area churches as I can get the addresses. I'll gladly send one to any church anywhere. I just need the address. If you'd like one sent to your church just get me the necessary information. I'd be delighted! I've wondered if my mailman knows that he's in active missions?? :)
You can email me at angie@justmorejesus.com if you'd like information sent to your church or group. By the way...if you have any other comments, concerns, or questions for me--feel free to use the same email address.
We (that would be God and me) are actually doing this thing! I'll keep mailing out Bio's and making contacts until He says stop. We'll see what He has planned. I'm excited. I know the time is now. I know the message is His.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Steps of faith.
So I decided April 22, 2011 to create a Bio and ask for references. That was a big step for me. Having a very difficult time with positive comments about myself (not really sure why), I struggled with asking people to put something down on paper for me to use as references. I made a list of about 15-20 people to ask. I decided ahead of time that if I got something back from just half of them, that would be enough. The devil tried to talk me out of it more than once. First, he used the old line with me. "Who are you to ask people to write down nice things about you. That's pretty boastful isn't it? Scripture talks about being boastful Angie!" Since I had already had the revelation (see last blog) and now had the assurance within that I'm not promoting me but instead the saving power of Jesus...that lie didn't work this time. Then, another dart, "You've already told people about this 'ministry thing' before and you chickened out. What do you think is going to make this time different? They'll never believe you Angie. In fact, I can just see them laughing now." Happy to report: darts extinguished, requests sent out, & obedience felt GREAT! Yes, I was a little anxious but the feeling of accomplishment and excitement out weighed the anxious rumblings. I told myself, give people two weeks before you even begin to think they aren't going to send a reference for you.
The wait began...
Journal entry one after requests sent out: Lord, I want to carry myself with your confidence. Be in me, in my mind, my heart, my spine, and on my tongue. It is through You that I have the confidence to go onward. Boldly.
Entry two: Lord I only want to do what you want. Keep my ear to your mouth. Drown out the voice of the enemy. Send me to the next step. Keep me focused. I want to be obedient. I know obedience unleashes Your power, I'm ready! What at this moment? Pray, study.
Entry three: Just More Jesus--God I know it is time. I feel it is time. I pray you hold me. Prepare me. Grow me. Teach me. Guide me. Love me. Give me wisdom Lord, give me discernment to make decisions. Help me to take each step. Give me eyes and ears that hear only You. Cover me.
Entry four: Lord, I said I'd give people two weeks--now help me stick to that.
Then it occurs to me that maybe God wants me to do my part of the Bio first so that whatever ends up on my Bio won't be copied off of any reference I get. I begin to sense God saying..."You write the Bio Angie, then I'll get you references."
UGH! I didn't want to write a Bio. What is more uncomfortable than asking someone else to write things about you? Try writing them about yourself! It was horribly uncomfortable for me. However, after a few days I decided I needed to write the stinking Bio!!
Entry five: I finished my part of the Bio...even though it took the better part of two days to come up with a couple of paragraphs. As I am literally typing up the finishing part, I get an email containing the first reference! My part done. First reference arrives. Bingo. Now, should I send reminders to the others? Lord guide me. I don't want this to be about me at all!
A few new wrinkles later, I sent reminders and everyone I reminded thanked me for it! How funny that I was stressing about sending them and then they actually thanked me for reminding them in the end. A little over a month after I sent out the requests and here I sit with a nearly completed Bio. I ended up sending 16 requests and 12 of those people responded with eagerness to help!! When will I simply exercise my faith?!
It's funny how God takes us through processes. (Otherwise known as "growth"...)
The wait began...
Journal entry one after requests sent out: Lord, I want to carry myself with your confidence. Be in me, in my mind, my heart, my spine, and on my tongue. It is through You that I have the confidence to go onward. Boldly.
Entry two: Lord I only want to do what you want. Keep my ear to your mouth. Drown out the voice of the enemy. Send me to the next step. Keep me focused. I want to be obedient. I know obedience unleashes Your power, I'm ready! What at this moment? Pray, study.
Entry three: Just More Jesus--God I know it is time. I feel it is time. I pray you hold me. Prepare me. Grow me. Teach me. Guide me. Love me. Give me wisdom Lord, give me discernment to make decisions. Help me to take each step. Give me eyes and ears that hear only You. Cover me.
Entry four: Lord, I said I'd give people two weeks--now help me stick to that.
Then it occurs to me that maybe God wants me to do my part of the Bio first so that whatever ends up on my Bio won't be copied off of any reference I get. I begin to sense God saying..."You write the Bio Angie, then I'll get you references."
UGH! I didn't want to write a Bio. What is more uncomfortable than asking someone else to write things about you? Try writing them about yourself! It was horribly uncomfortable for me. However, after a few days I decided I needed to write the stinking Bio!!
Entry five: I finished my part of the Bio...even though it took the better part of two days to come up with a couple of paragraphs. As I am literally typing up the finishing part, I get an email containing the first reference! My part done. First reference arrives. Bingo. Now, should I send reminders to the others? Lord guide me. I don't want this to be about me at all!
A few new wrinkles later, I sent reminders and everyone I reminded thanked me for it! How funny that I was stressing about sending them and then they actually thanked me for reminding them in the end. A little over a month after I sent out the requests and here I sit with a nearly completed Bio. I ended up sending 16 requests and 12 of those people responded with eagerness to help!! When will I simply exercise my faith?!
It's funny how God takes us through processes. (Otherwise known as "growth"...)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Going.
I've always had this system of belief that things deserving recognition will make themselves known. For example, as my girls entered school, I never wanted to run around telling how really smart they were and that they deserved special attention or mention. I just believed that if they were indeed "so smart" teachers would notice and see it from interacting with them and from reviewing their work. I just didn't want to brag or appear arrogant.
Fast forward to when I began to sense the Holy Spirit giving me a inward fire for ministry. I was burning so intensely for hurting people and a compulsion to share God with them that my skin was searing. Anyone I reluctantly shared this burn with, I preceded with five minutes of disclaimers, excuses and apologies for even considering that I might be useful for God. The inadequacy had its origination in this desire to not brag or appear arrogant which I suppose could be an admirable desire, but not when dressed in and motivated by HUGE self-doubt.
I have written and recently reviewed YEARS of journaling begging God to reveal to me the why, when & where. I prayed earnestly for open doors and opportunities. When neither of those things happened as I imagined they could have...more doubt settled in. Eventually I had nearly extinguished the fire and convinced myself that an arrogant me had mis-heard God.
As I watched years roll by I rolled through all sorts of emotions. Embarrassment for placing myself in a category with others in ministry for whom I have much admiration. Anger at God because I knew ministry was where He wanted me but yet He wasn't allowing me to live it out. Hurt because He placed a raging passion inside of me and then sat me in a corner and forgot all about me. Awareness of the intense spiritual battle I was in and the defeat I was surrendering to. Exhilaration and victory for every little step that I made back down the right road only to almost immediately accept defeat again. And, I couldn't just exist because I had huge pressure coming from outside telling me all the reasons why not and this intense, persistent force within me saying..."Go girl! Share Me!" Oh, what misery. Pure misery.
A friend of mine who is passionately serving in missions created a newsletter and mailed it out. When I opened mine, my heart hurt. I was angry, jealous, and defeated...again. She was doing it! She was putting herself out there. Believing and living out her belief.
I wrote in my journal:
God, I want to believe like Moses and Abraham. I want radical, bold belief. I feel so inadequate to do what my soul burns to do and yet that is exactly what you need--a willing, inadequate soul. God I have a desire to be wholly and fully willing and obedient. I am pure in the blood of Christ. Help me with the ugly, fleshly filth that must be dealt with. What would you have me do? Is everybody not tired of hearing me harp about my testimony? Am I living in the past? Recent past or not, it is still my testimony. It is pretty remarkable that we made it through intact. How about not just intact--we made it through BETTER! God, is it too much to ask for an encourager? If that encourager is to be You, shout louder God! Lord, if I am supposed to put myself out there, like other people in ministry that fight for it...for You...for lost people... Oh, wow! Eye opener! I'm not fighting to get out there and show "me" off. I am showing off YOU to a lost and hungry generation. Wow! I almost don't know what to say. Not everyone would even understand the hugeness of what has just been revealed to me! You are amazing God! Thank you for caring about me. What next? What in the next 5 minutes? I'm desiring to be led even off of this very stool I sit on. Willing. Send me. Use me. Help me walk in a belief that KNOWS You can do all You say You can do!
Don't you know God said, "Goodness, that girl FINALLY got it. This isn't about HER, it's about ME! Now go, Angie. This is a serious deal. This is MY deal Angie. These are big issues. These are kingdom issues. There are lost, hurting souls that need to know they have a loving Savior, forgiveness of sins, and an eternal future just waiting to be accepted. Now stop sniveling and GO tell them! Go."
It wasn't immediate as I looked at my friends newsletter. I did see right away that she was doing something I couldn't. She was putting herself out there. She was doing it. But, I didn't see right away that she was putting herself out there for GOD. She was fighting against all worldly forces to be a voice sharing Jesus.
I'm going. I'm willing. Praise God that I am inadequate so that through Him, I am able. Here I go...
I'll need prayer. :)
I have a website--however elementary it might be right now ;)
www.justmorejesus.com
I'm also preparing a Bio. In the Bio, there is a little background information about me and in it I am also requesting an opportunity to come share with any church or group my testimony of God's provision, His Word and His love. This isn't my mission...this is His.
(By the way, if you want a Bio sent to you or your church you can email me at angie@justmorejesus.com)
Let's just see what God has in store.
Fast forward to when I began to sense the Holy Spirit giving me a inward fire for ministry. I was burning so intensely for hurting people and a compulsion to share God with them that my skin was searing. Anyone I reluctantly shared this burn with, I preceded with five minutes of disclaimers, excuses and apologies for even considering that I might be useful for God. The inadequacy had its origination in this desire to not brag or appear arrogant which I suppose could be an admirable desire, but not when dressed in and motivated by HUGE self-doubt.
I have written and recently reviewed YEARS of journaling begging God to reveal to me the why, when & where. I prayed earnestly for open doors and opportunities. When neither of those things happened as I imagined they could have...more doubt settled in. Eventually I had nearly extinguished the fire and convinced myself that an arrogant me had mis-heard God.
As I watched years roll by I rolled through all sorts of emotions. Embarrassment for placing myself in a category with others in ministry for whom I have much admiration. Anger at God because I knew ministry was where He wanted me but yet He wasn't allowing me to live it out. Hurt because He placed a raging passion inside of me and then sat me in a corner and forgot all about me. Awareness of the intense spiritual battle I was in and the defeat I was surrendering to. Exhilaration and victory for every little step that I made back down the right road only to almost immediately accept defeat again. And, I couldn't just exist because I had huge pressure coming from outside telling me all the reasons why not and this intense, persistent force within me saying..."Go girl! Share Me!" Oh, what misery. Pure misery.
A friend of mine who is passionately serving in missions created a newsletter and mailed it out. When I opened mine, my heart hurt. I was angry, jealous, and defeated...again. She was doing it! She was putting herself out there. Believing and living out her belief.
I wrote in my journal:
God, I want to believe like Moses and Abraham. I want radical, bold belief. I feel so inadequate to do what my soul burns to do and yet that is exactly what you need--a willing, inadequate soul. God I have a desire to be wholly and fully willing and obedient. I am pure in the blood of Christ. Help me with the ugly, fleshly filth that must be dealt with. What would you have me do? Is everybody not tired of hearing me harp about my testimony? Am I living in the past? Recent past or not, it is still my testimony. It is pretty remarkable that we made it through intact. How about not just intact--we made it through BETTER! God, is it too much to ask for an encourager? If that encourager is to be You, shout louder God! Lord, if I am supposed to put myself out there, like other people in ministry that fight for it...for You...for lost people... Oh, wow! Eye opener! I'm not fighting to get out there and show "me" off. I am showing off YOU to a lost and hungry generation. Wow! I almost don't know what to say. Not everyone would even understand the hugeness of what has just been revealed to me! You are amazing God! Thank you for caring about me. What next? What in the next 5 minutes? I'm desiring to be led even off of this very stool I sit on. Willing. Send me. Use me. Help me walk in a belief that KNOWS You can do all You say You can do!
Don't you know God said, "Goodness, that girl FINALLY got it. This isn't about HER, it's about ME! Now go, Angie. This is a serious deal. This is MY deal Angie. These are big issues. These are kingdom issues. There are lost, hurting souls that need to know they have a loving Savior, forgiveness of sins, and an eternal future just waiting to be accepted. Now stop sniveling and GO tell them! Go."
It wasn't immediate as I looked at my friends newsletter. I did see right away that she was doing something I couldn't. She was putting herself out there. She was doing it. But, I didn't see right away that she was putting herself out there for GOD. She was fighting against all worldly forces to be a voice sharing Jesus.
I'm going. I'm willing. Praise God that I am inadequate so that through Him, I am able. Here I go...
I'll need prayer. :)
I have a website--however elementary it might be right now ;)
www.justmorejesus.com
I'm also preparing a Bio. In the Bio, there is a little background information about me and in it I am also requesting an opportunity to come share with any church or group my testimony of God's provision, His Word and His love. This isn't my mission...this is His.
(By the way, if you want a Bio sent to you or your church you can email me at angie@justmorejesus.com)
Let's just see what God has in store.
Monday, January 17, 2011
State of things...
How can a person be so addicted to control? Why must it ALL be as perfect as "I" can make it? How many times must I surrender something? How many times do I have to mess things up before I finally GET IT--before I finally get that I haven't even come close to "getting it"? Do we all struggle with something...always? Guess the answer to that is without a doubt..YES!
I journal a lot. Since I FEEL like I'm just sitting and rotting in a land of wonder, worry and worthlessness...I decided to go back and look at the "state of things" from the journal entries at the beginning of each of the past few years. I share these...realizing they are private and I admit some trepidation. Hopefully though, someone else is helped by reading how brutally honest I can be. :) Notice these aren't summaries of years past but just the first journal entry of each year. They are as follows:
Jan 13, 2004: Dear God, I've been hurt. There is an ache that goes bone deep. An ache that penetrates the soul. An ache that bleeds. I have that ache. It isn't new. I've had it a really long time. The bone chilling pain that rocks my reality & I'm confused. I wonder how to respond the "right" way. To respond or not. Slowly, ever so slowly I'm dying. One piece at a time, sometimes a big piece sometimes a little piece, but each piece falls hard. The empty ache inside gets bigger & bigger...and I die. I'm haunted by an overwhelming, penetrating, aching sadness. I am going to melt one day and fall into the floor in a blop of tears. My memory of the past 3 years is agony. Hard, piercing, choking agony. I feel like if I relaxed for one second I would never get it all back together. I feel like a failure. God, hold me now. Hold me and fill the empty gaping hole in my soul. I'm tired. I hurt. I don't like dying on the inside--alone.
(Wow, tough day...or year...or years.)
Feb 7th, 2005: I'm in the house now, we've been here over a month and I've not written a word. Time flies. A year or more in the making and all that waiting--and here we sit in the house. I actually had no idea what it would be like. It is nice.
Today, instead of starting out with tired, I'll go with another adjective. Drained, desperate, beside myself?! How much sorry-er do I feel for myself? I think I'll stop belly-aching and just hush. I haven't had anyone to just talk to--you know? Just someone to REALLY talk to. Oh, there! I am needed! The washer calls me--beep beep, come here Angie--beep, beep!
(Not so bad...)
Jan 1st, 2006: New Year. New Year. New Year. I started out so positive. Sick kids again. I've worked like crazy today. Laundry, laundry, cleaning, & still more to do. Last week I worked for hours preparing a lesson for this Sunday School class I thought You were telling me to start and I was so excited. It didn't amount. No one came. I don't know what I expected. Well, yes I do, I expected to see that there was some result of all my work. I expected--hoped that my sincere efforts would pay off. I know God is all powerful & I was just thinking He was gonna part the Red Sea for me. And, even as I write this--I hear "yet", I didn't part the Sea for you "yet". I'm just anxious and my anxiousness doesn't speed up God's timing. Oh, do I still trust God? Do I still believe Him capable? God is ABLE to do as HE promises. He loves me. He doesn't want me to hurt.
Jan 4th, 2007: Are you afraid that you have messed up God's plan for your life? Is He all powerful or not? Are you afraid God is going to forget a passion He gave you? Who is in control here? Do you give yourself so much importance that you can thwart God's plan? You trust Him don't you? This gift & passion isn't even yours! It's His. To be used for His glory. Doesn't He like your actions to reflect Him? Submit!
Oh God, I confess anger and frustration. I confess to you all the negativity that spews from my ever running lips. Jesus, don't give up on me.
Jan 11th, 2008: Stagger not at the promise of God through unbelief, be strong in faith, giving glory to God and be FULLY persuaded that what God has promised me, He is ABLE to preform. Don't doubt. Don't try to do it for Him. Do be strong. Do give glory to God.
I do doubt. I do think that my actions, abilities, dedication, strength, and vision will determine my living out what I know God has for me. I think it is all in my hands. He made me. He gave me the gift, then the vision, and now I want to take it and run and see what my strength and abilities will get me. How rude. Stop and listen to Jesus. Not other people, not the church...Jesus! Do what you know from God, Angie. Ignore the rest. Wait on God's perfect plan for you! Stay in the Word. God ALONE is your authority!
(Might as well be honest & then give myself a pep talk!)
Jan 19th, 2009: I heard from a girl today that I went to a conference with years ago. It was a speakers/writers conference and she was in my small group. She befriended me when I felt like I was in a sea of vipers--she and her sister. Actually, they were the first ones who told me that they saw me in a speaking/teaching ministry (confirming what I thought God had already told me) and encouraged me to keep teaching. How about just encouraging me PERIOD! How nice that was! But...now she's published a book and I feel like I've been sitting around twirling my fingers. Without getting my act together and pushing forward I'll spend eternity sitting on my duff! Or will I? Maybe I just need to wait silently on God? Maybe I'm too anxious! I feel like SCREAMING!!
(That seems to be a prevailing theme...)
Jan 2, 2010: The day after a holiday so I worked today. Lord, I don't hate what I'm doing. I even enjoy it. I'm good at organizing and record-keeping. I'm just not passionate about it--not one dab of passion about keeping books anywhere in my body. It feels like it has no lasting value. Its not a bad thing that I'm doing with my life--it's just not the right thing. I want to move on with the direction that I think I should go in but that kinda seems like it'd mess up being able to make a house payment. Ha. Just a small problem. And, while I'm at it, I want a church home. I want something that feels like family. I want to go and worship you and have my life back in ORDER! I just want to grow in you. I want every second of my day to be you, learning you, breathing you, talking you, sharing you, praising you, seeking you--just YOU! Strengthen me God. Bring out the "me" that's in there. The "me" that you fashioned.
So...here I sit in January 2011 and I'm not sure what all the previous years say about the "state of things" today except that I know why I'm still here...God obviously has lots of work left to do on me! I can see I've made progress in some areas and I've messed a lot of things up. Somethings haven't changed at all...I'm glad God doesn't give up on me.
I journal a lot. Since I FEEL like I'm just sitting and rotting in a land of wonder, worry and worthlessness...I decided to go back and look at the "state of things" from the journal entries at the beginning of each of the past few years. I share these...realizing they are private and I admit some trepidation. Hopefully though, someone else is helped by reading how brutally honest I can be. :) Notice these aren't summaries of years past but just the first journal entry of each year. They are as follows:
Jan 13, 2004: Dear God, I've been hurt. There is an ache that goes bone deep. An ache that penetrates the soul. An ache that bleeds. I have that ache. It isn't new. I've had it a really long time. The bone chilling pain that rocks my reality & I'm confused. I wonder how to respond the "right" way. To respond or not. Slowly, ever so slowly I'm dying. One piece at a time, sometimes a big piece sometimes a little piece, but each piece falls hard. The empty ache inside gets bigger & bigger...and I die. I'm haunted by an overwhelming, penetrating, aching sadness. I am going to melt one day and fall into the floor in a blop of tears. My memory of the past 3 years is agony. Hard, piercing, choking agony. I feel like if I relaxed for one second I would never get it all back together. I feel like a failure. God, hold me now. Hold me and fill the empty gaping hole in my soul. I'm tired. I hurt. I don't like dying on the inside--alone.
(Wow, tough day...or year...or years.)
Feb 7th, 2005: I'm in the house now, we've been here over a month and I've not written a word. Time flies. A year or more in the making and all that waiting--and here we sit in the house. I actually had no idea what it would be like. It is nice.
Today, instead of starting out with tired, I'll go with another adjective. Drained, desperate, beside myself?! How much sorry-er do I feel for myself? I think I'll stop belly-aching and just hush. I haven't had anyone to just talk to--you know? Just someone to REALLY talk to. Oh, there! I am needed! The washer calls me--beep beep, come here Angie--beep, beep!
(Not so bad...)
Jan 1st, 2006: New Year. New Year. New Year. I started out so positive. Sick kids again. I've worked like crazy today. Laundry, laundry, cleaning, & still more to do. Last week I worked for hours preparing a lesson for this Sunday School class I thought You were telling me to start and I was so excited. It didn't amount. No one came. I don't know what I expected. Well, yes I do, I expected to see that there was some result of all my work. I expected--hoped that my sincere efforts would pay off. I know God is all powerful & I was just thinking He was gonna part the Red Sea for me. And, even as I write this--I hear "yet", I didn't part the Sea for you "yet". I'm just anxious and my anxiousness doesn't speed up God's timing. Oh, do I still trust God? Do I still believe Him capable? God is ABLE to do as HE promises. He loves me. He doesn't want me to hurt.
Jan 4th, 2007: Are you afraid that you have messed up God's plan for your life? Is He all powerful or not? Are you afraid God is going to forget a passion He gave you? Who is in control here? Do you give yourself so much importance that you can thwart God's plan? You trust Him don't you? This gift & passion isn't even yours! It's His. To be used for His glory. Doesn't He like your actions to reflect Him? Submit!
Oh God, I confess anger and frustration. I confess to you all the negativity that spews from my ever running lips. Jesus, don't give up on me.
Jan 11th, 2008: Stagger not at the promise of God through unbelief, be strong in faith, giving glory to God and be FULLY persuaded that what God has promised me, He is ABLE to preform. Don't doubt. Don't try to do it for Him. Do be strong. Do give glory to God.
I do doubt. I do think that my actions, abilities, dedication, strength, and vision will determine my living out what I know God has for me. I think it is all in my hands. He made me. He gave me the gift, then the vision, and now I want to take it and run and see what my strength and abilities will get me. How rude. Stop and listen to Jesus. Not other people, not the church...Jesus! Do what you know from God, Angie. Ignore the rest. Wait on God's perfect plan for you! Stay in the Word. God ALONE is your authority!
(Might as well be honest & then give myself a pep talk!)
Jan 19th, 2009: I heard from a girl today that I went to a conference with years ago. It was a speakers/writers conference and she was in my small group. She befriended me when I felt like I was in a sea of vipers--she and her sister. Actually, they were the first ones who told me that they saw me in a speaking/teaching ministry (confirming what I thought God had already told me) and encouraged me to keep teaching. How about just encouraging me PERIOD! How nice that was! But...now she's published a book and I feel like I've been sitting around twirling my fingers. Without getting my act together and pushing forward I'll spend eternity sitting on my duff! Or will I? Maybe I just need to wait silently on God? Maybe I'm too anxious! I feel like SCREAMING!!
(That seems to be a prevailing theme...)
Jan 2, 2010: The day after a holiday so I worked today. Lord, I don't hate what I'm doing. I even enjoy it. I'm good at organizing and record-keeping. I'm just not passionate about it--not one dab of passion about keeping books anywhere in my body. It feels like it has no lasting value. Its not a bad thing that I'm doing with my life--it's just not the right thing. I want to move on with the direction that I think I should go in but that kinda seems like it'd mess up being able to make a house payment. Ha. Just a small problem. And, while I'm at it, I want a church home. I want something that feels like family. I want to go and worship you and have my life back in ORDER! I just want to grow in you. I want every second of my day to be you, learning you, breathing you, talking you, sharing you, praising you, seeking you--just YOU! Strengthen me God. Bring out the "me" that's in there. The "me" that you fashioned.
So...here I sit in January 2011 and I'm not sure what all the previous years say about the "state of things" today except that I know why I'm still here...God obviously has lots of work left to do on me! I can see I've made progress in some areas and I've messed a lot of things up. Somethings haven't changed at all...I'm glad God doesn't give up on me.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Corn.
I realized a few weeks ago that even though I was raised on a farm and did lots of canning in the summer, my girls aren't being raised that way and a part of who "we" are is going to be lost in their generation. We were at mamas and the pea sheller was out when Abby asked..."What's that thing do?" Seriously? That "thing" is a pea sheller and one of the greatest inventions EVER! So, once over the shock of their lack of exposure, I made the decision to tackle corn this year (even though I hated canning corn growing up). The girls, Devant & I spent the entire day Saturday moving through the process with the help of mama and daddy. We broke the corn, shucked the corn, silked the corn, blanched the corn, cut the corn off the cob AND bagged the corn. Between 65 and 70 bags to be exact. Each person helped along the way...yes, even Laney. It was awesome. The girls learned so much.
Secretly, I was excited to get to put up corn and not have to silk. Growing up when the "corn" day came around the only job I was "old enough" to do originally was to silk. Then, somehow...I never graduated from silking. I HATE silking. I'd decided that with 3 capable girls certainly I could finally now graduate from silking. Wrong. When all you've done is silk your entire life...you get really good at it...and fast!! So I'm the master silker and master cutter off the cob! :) Might as well take pride in my life-time accomplishment.
The corn is done and now hopefully, not only have the girls been exposed to the actual process but also share in the satisfaction from the work they put into it. All winter long they can feel a sense of pride each time we eat the corn knowing they had a hand in it. Guess that's true of any job I let them do. Sometimes when my OCD is acting up I would rather just DO the job myself. That way I know its done the way I wanted it done and I won't have to take the time to have them do it over...or me re-do it. My ever so wise husband said that not only was I robbing them of the experience and learning but I was also robbing them of the pride and accomplishment that comes from doing a job yourself. True enough Devant. This summer they started mowing the grass, washing some clothes and now they've canned corn.
Bravo girls!
Secretly, I was excited to get to put up corn and not have to silk. Growing up when the "corn" day came around the only job I was "old enough" to do originally was to silk. Then, somehow...I never graduated from silking. I HATE silking. I'd decided that with 3 capable girls certainly I could finally now graduate from silking. Wrong. When all you've done is silk your entire life...you get really good at it...and fast!! So I'm the master silker and master cutter off the cob! :) Might as well take pride in my life-time accomplishment.
The corn is done and now hopefully, not only have the girls been exposed to the actual process but also share in the satisfaction from the work they put into it. All winter long they can feel a sense of pride each time we eat the corn knowing they had a hand in it. Guess that's true of any job I let them do. Sometimes when my OCD is acting up I would rather just DO the job myself. That way I know its done the way I wanted it done and I won't have to take the time to have them do it over...or me re-do it. My ever so wise husband said that not only was I robbing them of the experience and learning but I was also robbing them of the pride and accomplishment that comes from doing a job yourself. True enough Devant. This summer they started mowing the grass, washing some clothes and now they've canned corn.
Bravo girls!
Friday, March 26, 2010
New Beginning
I love new beginnings. I really do. I'm venturing into one now. I'm working (volunteer style) from home. I desperately needed to be back home. Too many reasons to list why. The point is, I'm here now. Thank you God. I've learned a few lessons and I'm sure I'll only learn more. From where I sit now I can make a few observations. I am not exactly like anyone else. I am me. However, there are basic truths about me as a person, as a woman, that I share with all of you. I started this blogging wanting to open wide the door that stays closed and locked preventing all of us from seeing the real person in each other. Breaking down the wall, taking off the masks, moving toward me being able to be me and you being able to be you. I hoped to do that by not being afraid to put out there what was real in my life and how I made my way with God carrying, dragging, and teaching me. (And I have done that. I have been honest. I have shared struggles...just keep reading...)
Until now, I've waited to post things as I had "A-ha Moments". As I would have an experience and end the experience with a clear lesson or Word that I felt God had shown me in direct response to that particular experience, I wanted to post it here. I wanted you to see that I struggle with the same things you do...but look what God showed me in the midst of this struggle. Needless to say...that's not really how my life is. No doubt I have the experiences...but they don't always end one with a clear "life lesson" before I find myself right smack dab in the midst of another experience. Therefore, I have been struggling with things to post. I wanted my posts to be helpful. To share with you what I'd learned by summing it all up like a story from beginning to end. I realize now that just sharing the experience with you will be help in and of itself.
Without going back and reading my old posts...I think I mentioned that I wanted to communicate with you just as if we were chatting or if I were writing you a letter. I journal ALL THE TIME and much of my journaling is as if I were writing a note to Jesus himself. As I was reading over what I wrote just this morning, I realized that what I had hoped to do with this blogging, I really wasn't doing at all. I'm making posts, but they are too "prepared". They aren't just spitting the stuff out there like my journaling is. I'm not just sharing & talking, letting you see inside a scared, fragile, grouchy, chaotic woman that maybe on some level you can identify with. Of course, I want to protect the privacy of me and my family, so some discretion is necessary. I know now that not every post will have a solution or a signed, sealed, and delivered lesson in a package. I maintain that I will be honest. Freeing myself up not to have to have a "lesson" attached hopefully I will have a lot more to say. After all, I experience a lot more than I learn. :)
I'm not going to make any promises about how often I'll get something posted because as I have seen already, I've not done a very good job. I'll just hope to surprise you.
So...Becca...here's the post I said I'd post...no lesson, just honest, just me. (By the way, I was surprised that anyone would even notice I hadn't posted in a while because I didn't even realize anyone was reading. Thanks for reading.)
Until now, I've waited to post things as I had "A-ha Moments". As I would have an experience and end the experience with a clear lesson or Word that I felt God had shown me in direct response to that particular experience, I wanted to post it here. I wanted you to see that I struggle with the same things you do...but look what God showed me in the midst of this struggle. Needless to say...that's not really how my life is. No doubt I have the experiences...but they don't always end one with a clear "life lesson" before I find myself right smack dab in the midst of another experience. Therefore, I have been struggling with things to post. I wanted my posts to be helpful. To share with you what I'd learned by summing it all up like a story from beginning to end. I realize now that just sharing the experience with you will be help in and of itself.
Without going back and reading my old posts...I think I mentioned that I wanted to communicate with you just as if we were chatting or if I were writing you a letter. I journal ALL THE TIME and much of my journaling is as if I were writing a note to Jesus himself. As I was reading over what I wrote just this morning, I realized that what I had hoped to do with this blogging, I really wasn't doing at all. I'm making posts, but they are too "prepared". They aren't just spitting the stuff out there like my journaling is. I'm not just sharing & talking, letting you see inside a scared, fragile, grouchy, chaotic woman that maybe on some level you can identify with. Of course, I want to protect the privacy of me and my family, so some discretion is necessary. I know now that not every post will have a solution or a signed, sealed, and delivered lesson in a package. I maintain that I will be honest. Freeing myself up not to have to have a "lesson" attached hopefully I will have a lot more to say. After all, I experience a lot more than I learn. :)
I'm not going to make any promises about how often I'll get something posted because as I have seen already, I've not done a very good job. I'll just hope to surprise you.
So...Becca...here's the post I said I'd post...no lesson, just honest, just me. (By the way, I was surprised that anyone would even notice I hadn't posted in a while because I didn't even realize anyone was reading. Thanks for reading.)
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