I don't have anything earth shattering to share. Over the last couple of weeks I've wanted to add a post but I've not done it. My thoughts were...I want to be positive and uplifting with my posts. I want people to read them and feel better, feel encouraged. So, since I haven't felt very "encouraged" myself...my reservoir for "encouragement" has been dry. Solution? No posting. As I mentioned in my last post...I've had "be real & honest" seared into my brain. Finally, it occurred to me...what could be more "real" than sharing a full-blown case of the mullie-grubs. I'll try not to go on and on because it could easily cross right over into whining and I hate to be a whiny-hiney.
I'm just BLAH! Do I know that everyone feels this way sometimes? Yep. Do I know I have many things to be thankful for and that things could be much worse? Big yes! I am so grateful for God's mercy and I am fully aware that my help and hope comes through Jesus alone...BUT am I still struggling with attitude lately...YES!! Does that mean that my faith is shallow or that I'm less a child of God? NO WAY, not even maybe. I'm just stuck right now in a rotten, stinking mood! If I'm all about sharing my feelings when I'm up and singing praises...then maybe I need to be all about sharing when I feel like screaming until my throat hurts or crying for three days.
I wish I knew what brought on these mullie-grub viruses. More than that, I wish I knew the cure. I've told you before that I will occasionally psycho-analyze my thoughts and feelings...ok, more than occasionally. So while I'm stuck in this quick-sand, pitty pot, some days I criticize myself for being such a baby. Other times I'll look all around me for someone to blame for the way I feel. I'll bite a few heads off, usually only the heads of people I really love. I'll cry and be sure I'm the only one who feels as bad as I do. I might try talking it over with a couple of people hoping they have a magic cure in their pockets. Eventually, I decide I must just need to sleep more, eat more (or less), pray harder, exercise some, work harder or longer, study God's Word more, and SURELY THEN I'll be better. And while some of those are probably true and even great ideas, how's that working for me right now? It isn't.
It never fails that when I'm overtaken with this yuck, my skin is so thin! Everything hurts my feelings & my fuse is beyond short. I could take a hunk out of some one's flesh with my teeth. (Abby describes it as feeling like she needs to hurt someone with her hands. I LOVE that description!!) Something goes wrong that might go wrong all the time, but today, it's my fault. Someone says something to me that they've said a dozen times before, but today, it cuts right to the bone. A comment at dinner goes something like..."I liked the spaghetti better last time when you didn't put mushrooms in it" and I'm walking to the back door to chunk the entire pot out in the yard!! (I heard my grandmother did that once, how I'd love just one time to do something like that?! Teach them to say ONE word about my food! Ha!)
What is all this about? You know...I still don't know. I'm frustrated. I feel frumpy. I don't like any of my clothes. I'm angry. I still laugh. I'm still functioning. But sometimes I don't even have the "want to" to pick up my shoes and take them to the closet. I'm disappointed. I'm BUSY! I'm hurt. Did I mention angry? I still don't have answers. I still don't feel like a million bucks. But guess what...it's OK! I've decided as a woman I'm just gonna have days like this. I don't have to have answers or be superwoman! I can be MAD if I want to be! I can nurse hurt feelings (or pout, or whine...whatever you want to call it). I can need extra love. I can be whatever I AM and it is OK!
I know where my help comes from and together He'll work me through this. So, moral of the story: If for right now I'm grouchy or whiny...then, you know what, I'm just grouchy & whiny! Today maybe, not so good. Tomorrow though is a new day. Next week is a new week, next month a new month. I WILL be better. That I can KNOW. But for now...watch out! :)