Monday, June 20, 2011

...and now I just wait to see.

Faith. Scripture says it's being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see. (Hebrews 11:1) Well, let's see...I've "hoped" for years to share a loving Savior with hurting people and I have "not seen" how that could ever be possible. As you already know...I thought, hmmm...why not just try to start taking Him at His word??

Not sure why I was thinking that was going to be sooooo hard? I finished the Bio's with the help of several friends who were kind enough to send me amazing references. I've already mailed out the first "printing" (which I use VERY loosely because I sent the first ones out to churches of friends). Now, I've made a second "printing" and I am sending them to as many area churches as I can get the addresses. I'll gladly send one to any church anywhere. I just need the address. If you'd like one sent to your church just get me the necessary information. I'd be delighted! I've wondered if my mailman knows that he's in active missions?? :)

You can email me at if you'd like information sent to your church or group. By the way...if you have any other comments, concerns, or questions for me--feel free to use the same email address.

We (that would be God and me) are actually doing this thing! I'll keep mailing out Bio's and making contacts until He says stop. We'll see what He has planned. I'm excited. I know the time is now. I know the message is His.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Steps of faith.

So I decided April 22, 2011 to create a Bio and ask for references. That was a big step for me. Having a very difficult time with positive comments about myself (not really sure why), I struggled with asking people to put something down on paper for me to use as references. I made a list of about 15-20 people to ask. I decided ahead of time that if I got something back from just half of them, that would be enough. The devil tried to talk me out of it more than once. First, he used the old line with me. "Who are you to ask people to write down nice things about you. That's pretty boastful isn't it? Scripture talks about being boastful Angie!" Since I had already had the revelation (see last blog) and now had the assurance within that I'm not promoting me but instead the saving power of Jesus...that lie didn't work this time. Then, another dart, "You've already told people about this 'ministry thing' before and you chickened out. What do you think is going to make this time different? They'll never believe you Angie. In fact, I can just see them laughing now." Happy to report: darts extinguished, requests sent out, & obedience felt GREAT! Yes, I was a little anxious but the feeling of accomplishment and excitement out weighed the anxious rumblings. I told myself, give people two weeks before you even begin to think they aren't going to send a reference for you.

The wait began...

Journal entry one after requests sent out: Lord, I want to carry myself with your confidence. Be in me, in my mind, my heart, my spine, and on my tongue. It is through You that I have the confidence to go onward. Boldly.

Entry two: Lord I only want to do what you want. Keep my ear to your mouth. Drown out the voice of the enemy. Send me to the next step. Keep me focused. I want to be obedient. I know obedience unleashes Your power, I'm ready! What at this moment? Pray, study.

Entry three: Just More Jesus--God I know it is time. I feel it is time. I pray you hold me. Prepare me. Grow me. Teach me. Guide me. Love me. Give me wisdom Lord, give me discernment to make decisions. Help me to take each step. Give me eyes and ears that hear only You. Cover me.

Entry four: Lord, I said I'd give people two weeks--now help me stick to that.

Then it occurs to me that maybe God wants me to do my part of the Bio first so that whatever ends up on my Bio won't be copied off of any reference I get. I begin to sense God saying..."You write the Bio Angie, then I'll get you references."

UGH! I didn't want to write a Bio. What is more uncomfortable than asking someone else to write things about you? Try writing them about yourself! It was horribly uncomfortable for me. However, after a few days I decided I needed to write the stinking Bio!!

Entry five: I finished my part of the Bio...even though it took the better part of two days to come up with a couple of paragraphs. As I am literally typing up the finishing part, I get an email containing the first reference! My part done. First reference arrives. Bingo. Now, should I send reminders to the others? Lord guide me. I don't want this to be about me at all!

A few new wrinkles later, I sent reminders and everyone I reminded thanked me for it! How funny that I was stressing about sending them and then they actually thanked me for reminding them in the end. A little over a month after I sent out the requests and here I sit with a nearly completed Bio. I ended up sending 16 requests and 12 of those people responded with eagerness to help!! When will I simply exercise my faith?!

It's funny how God takes us through processes. (Otherwise known as "growth"...)

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I've always had this system of belief that things deserving recognition will make themselves known. For example, as my girls entered school, I never wanted to run around telling how really smart they were and that they deserved special attention or mention. I just believed that if they were indeed "so smart" teachers would notice and see it from interacting with them and from reviewing their work. I just didn't want to brag or appear arrogant.

Fast forward to when I began to sense the Holy Spirit giving me a inward fire for ministry. I was burning so intensely for hurting people and a compulsion to share God with them that my skin was searing. Anyone I reluctantly shared this burn with, I preceded with five minutes of disclaimers, excuses and apologies for even considering that I might be useful for God. The inadequacy had its origination in this desire to not brag or appear arrogant which I suppose could be an admirable desire, but not when dressed in and motivated by HUGE self-doubt.

I have written and recently reviewed YEARS of journaling begging God to reveal to me the why, when & where. I prayed earnestly for open doors and opportunities. When neither of those things happened as I imagined they could have...more doubt settled in. Eventually I had nearly extinguished the fire and convinced myself that an arrogant me had mis-heard God.

As I watched years roll by I rolled through all sorts of emotions. Embarrassment for placing myself in a category with others in ministry for whom I have much admiration. Anger at God because I knew ministry was where He wanted me but yet He wasn't allowing me to live it out. Hurt because He placed a raging passion inside of me and then sat me in a corner and forgot all about me. Awareness of the intense spiritual battle I was in and the defeat I was surrendering to. Exhilaration and victory for every little step that I made back down the right road only to almost immediately accept defeat again. And, I couldn't just exist because I had huge pressure coming from outside telling me all the reasons why not and this intense, persistent force within me saying..."Go girl! Share Me!" Oh, what misery. Pure misery.

A friend of mine who is passionately serving in missions created a newsletter and mailed it out. When I opened mine, my heart hurt. I was angry, jealous, and defeated...again. She was doing it! She was putting herself out there. Believing and living out her belief.

I wrote in my journal:
God, I want to believe like Moses and Abraham. I want radical, bold belief. I feel so inadequate to do what my soul burns to do and yet that is exactly what you need--a willing, inadequate soul. God I have a desire to be wholly and fully willing and obedient. I am pure in the blood of Christ. Help me with the ugly, fleshly filth that must be dealt with. What would you have me do? Is everybody not tired of hearing me harp about my testimony? Am I living in the past? Recent past or not, it is still my testimony. It is pretty remarkable that we made it through intact. How about not just intact--we made it through BETTER! God, is it too much to ask for an encourager? If that encourager is to be You, shout louder God! Lord, if I am supposed to put myself out there, like other people in ministry that fight for it...for You...for lost people... Oh, wow! Eye opener! I'm not fighting to get out there and show "me" off. I am showing off YOU to a lost and hungry generation. Wow! I almost don't know what to say. Not everyone would even understand the hugeness of what has just been revealed to me! You are amazing God! Thank you for caring about me. What next? What in the next 5 minutes? I'm desiring to be led even off of this very stool I sit on. Willing. Send me. Use me. Help me walk in a belief that KNOWS You can do all You say You can do!

Don't you know God said, "Goodness, that girl FINALLY got it. This isn't about HER, it's about ME! Now go, Angie. This is a serious deal. This is MY deal Angie. These are big issues. These are kingdom issues. There are lost, hurting souls that need to know they have a loving Savior, forgiveness of sins, and an eternal future just waiting to be accepted. Now stop sniveling and GO tell them! Go."

It wasn't immediate as I looked at my friends newsletter. I did see right away that she was doing something I couldn't. She was putting herself out there. She was doing it. But, I didn't see right away that she was putting herself out there for GOD. She was fighting against all worldly forces to be a voice sharing Jesus.

I'm going. I'm willing. Praise God that I am inadequate so that through Him, I am able. Here I go...

I'll need prayer. :)

I have a website--however elementary it might be right now ;)

I'm also preparing a Bio. In the Bio, there is a little background information about me and in it I am also requesting an opportunity to come share with any church or group my testimony of God's provision, His Word and His love. This isn't my mission...this is His.

(By the way, if you want a Bio sent to you or your church you can email me at

Let's just see what God has in store.