I've always had this system of belief that things deserving recognition will make themselves known. For example, as my girls entered school, I never wanted to run around telling how really smart they were and that they deserved special attention or mention. I just believed that if they were indeed "so smart" teachers would notice and see it from interacting with them and from reviewing their work. I just didn't want to brag or appear arrogant.
Fast forward to when I began to sense the Holy Spirit giving me a inward fire for ministry. I was burning so intensely for hurting people and a compulsion to share God with them that my skin was searing. Anyone I reluctantly shared this burn with, I preceded with five minutes of disclaimers, excuses and apologies for even considering that I might be useful for God. The inadequacy had its origination in this desire to not brag or appear arrogant which I suppose could be an admirable desire, but not when dressed in and motivated by HUGE self-doubt.
I have written and recently reviewed YEARS of journaling begging God to reveal to me the why, when & where. I prayed earnestly for open doors and opportunities. When neither of those things happened as I imagined they could have...more doubt settled in. Eventually I had nearly extinguished the fire and convinced myself that an arrogant me had mis-heard God.
As I watched years roll by I rolled through all sorts of emotions. Embarrassment for placing myself in a category with others in ministry for whom I have much admiration. Anger at God because I knew ministry was where He wanted me but yet He wasn't allowing me to live it out. Hurt because He placed a raging passion inside of me and then sat me in a corner and forgot all about me. Awareness of the intense spiritual battle I was in and the defeat I was surrendering to. Exhilaration and victory for every little step that I made back down the right road only to almost immediately accept defeat again. And, I couldn't just exist because I had huge pressure coming from outside telling me all the reasons why not and this intense, persistent force within me saying..."Go girl! Share Me!" Oh, what misery. Pure misery.
A friend of mine who is passionately serving in missions created a newsletter and mailed it out. When I opened mine, my heart hurt. I was angry, jealous, and defeated...again. She was doing it! She was putting herself out there. Believing and living out her belief.
I wrote in my journal:
God, I want to believe like Moses and Abraham. I want radical, bold belief. I feel so inadequate to do what my soul burns to do and yet that is exactly what you need--a willing, inadequate soul. God I have a desire to be wholly and fully willing and obedient. I am pure in the blood of Christ. Help me with the ugly, fleshly filth that must be dealt with. What would you have me do? Is everybody not tired of hearing me harp about my testimony? Am I living in the past? Recent past or not, it is still my testimony. It is pretty remarkable that we made it through intact. How about not just intact--we made it through BETTER! God, is it too much to ask for an encourager? If that encourager is to be You, shout louder God! Lord, if I am supposed to put myself out there, like other people in ministry that fight for it...for You...for lost people... Oh, wow! Eye opener! I'm not fighting to get out there and show "me" off. I am showing off YOU to a lost and hungry generation. Wow! I almost don't know what to say. Not everyone would even understand the hugeness of what has just been revealed to me! You are amazing God! Thank you for caring about me. What next? What in the next 5 minutes? I'm desiring to be led even off of this very stool I sit on. Willing. Send me. Use me. Help me walk in a belief that KNOWS You can do all You say You can do!
Don't you know God said, "Goodness, that girl FINALLY got it. This isn't about HER, it's about ME! Now go, Angie. This is a serious deal. This is MY deal Angie. These are big issues. These are kingdom issues. There are lost, hurting souls that need to know they have a loving Savior, forgiveness of sins, and an eternal future just waiting to be accepted. Now stop sniveling and GO tell them! Go."
It wasn't immediate as I looked at my friends newsletter. I did see right away that she was doing something I couldn't. She was putting herself out there. She was doing it. But, I didn't see right away that she was putting herself out there for GOD. She was fighting against all worldly forces to be a voice sharing Jesus.
I'm going. I'm willing. Praise God that I am inadequate so that through Him, I am able. Here I go...
I'll need prayer. :)
I have a website--however elementary it might be right now ;)
I'm also preparing a Bio. In the Bio, there is a little background information about me and in it I am also requesting an opportunity to come share with any church or group my testimony of God's provision, His Word and His love. This isn't my mission...this is His.
(By the way, if you want a Bio sent to you or your church you can email me at email@example.com)
Let's just see what God has in store.