Do-over!

I'm not doing so good at this blogging thing...gosh, who steals all my time!? (Ha! See the earlier post about time stealers!) This time of the year is so busy and it leaves me craving SILENCE!

Since I've posted last every single person in my house has been sick. There are a lot of things that I am not, but I like to think I'm a pretty compassionate person. I love being a mama and taking care of my children, loving on them, doing for them...and the same goes for my husband. BUT...who knew I'd be called on to dish compassion out for soooooooo long! It's been a long time since we had sickness like that here. It was one of those times when people ask you, "so how is everyone doing..." and you don't even want to answer because the truth just seems too crazy to believe. Abby had mono...FOREVER, then a virus hit our home. Enough said. No well of sympathy is THAT DEEP! :)

Needless to say, it's been kinda crazy here. That combined with the Holiday's, I've got good reason (excuse/explanation) for blogging to have slipped to the back burner. Thankfully, everyone is almost 100%.

So...the new year is coming and I LOVE new beginnings. It's like I feel like I've been given a "do-over". What will I do differently this year? Well, since the mullie-grubs finally left (probably so I could take care of the sick & afflicted) I have been able to do some productive thinking finally. What did I come up with? Well, there is a brilliant statement that I can't remember right now that says something about continuing to do the same things but expecting different results. Hello...that would be my 2009! I kinda want to look in a mirror and say..."Well, duh Angie, what did you expect?!" I guess I expected Jesus to be sitting at my bar one morning with a to-do list typed up for me. Hmm...now what would that teach me or develop in me?

I decided this week that I had allowed myself to forget (again) that God has a plan for me. He has a plan for each and everyone of us. That's no big secret, right. I don't usually have a problem with passing judgement on you and your journey. The problem arises when I begin to beat myself up and get discouraged when my path isn't shaping up like I perceive yours to be. It's not you I judge, it's me. It's not that I want your journey, its just that I think I'm failing miserably at mine. What I'm learning is this...Your journey wouldn't fit me even if I tried it on...nor would mine fit you. My every experience & opportunity (and unfortunately even my every temptation) is taylor-made for me. Jesus designed my path to take me places, teach me things and develop within me what He has ultimately planned for me. How relieved I am to realize I'm not powerful enough to alter God's will for my life. It's not about just today or yesterday, there's a big picture here. There is a desired end result that I don't see yet...but I know who does! I cannot neglect the fact that I have responsibility for my actions and God always gives me a choice. It also goes without saying that there are consequences to my decisions and they are real...as are the lessons I learn through them. I cannot avoid consequences and sometimes they really hurt (me, people I love and Jesus). The amazing thing about grace is this, when doing this life thing with Jesus, He sticks around through difficulties too, even those that are self-inflicted.


What I hope to do differently this year is stop listening to that negative person living in my head telling me what a "major loser" I am. This year I'm going to offer an argument to that voice and remind it what God promises me as HIS child! This year, I'm going to listen when I hear Jesus whispering..."Go ahead baby girl, you can do this." When He says, "I made you for this Angie, now you go be the woman I know you are!" This year, I'm going to try to stand taller. When He says "I'm safe Angie...I will not hurt you...you are My child and I love you!" This year, I'm going to take deeper breaths and try to relax and rest in what HE knows is ahead for me. Finally, and perhaps most importantly for me, this year when I fall down, when I goof up, when I catch a glimpse of your journey and begin that negative dialogue, and it WILL happen, I'm going to allow Him to stand me up, to brush off my knees and to give me (another) second chance. Why? Because His love for me knows no limits.

Wow. See what we have to look forward to? You can't have messed up things so badly that Jesus has given up on you. Let me say that again, just in case you missed it. You can't have messed up things so badly that Jesus has given up on you. He's still there. He's still crazy about you. You can still trust Him. He's ready to carry you through this new year NO MATTER WHAT you think you might have done to fail. In fact, I'll go as far as saying that there isn't a "fail". He can redeem ANYTHING.

See, you and I get a free "do-over" with Jesus.

Mullie-grubs

I don't have anything earth shattering to share. Over the last couple of weeks I've wanted to add a post but I've not done it. My thoughts were...I want to be positive and uplifting with my posts. I want people to read them and feel better, feel encouraged. So, since I haven't felt very "encouraged" myself...my reservoir for "encouragement" has been dry. Solution? No posting. As I mentioned in my last post...I've had "be real & honest" seared into my brain. Finally, it occurred to me...what could be more "real" than sharing a full-blown case of the mullie-grubs. I'll try not to go on and on because it could easily cross right over into whining and I hate to be a whiny-hiney.

I'm just BLAH! Do I know that everyone feels this way sometimes? Yep. Do I know I have many things to be thankful for and that things could be much worse? Big yes! I am so grateful for God's mercy and I am fully aware that my help and hope comes through Jesus alone...BUT am I still struggling with attitude lately...YES!! Does that mean that my faith is shallow or that I'm less a child of God? NO WAY, not even maybe. I'm just stuck right now in a rotten, stinking mood! If I'm all about sharing my feelings when I'm up and singing praises...then maybe I need to be all about sharing when I feel like screaming until my throat hurts or crying for three days.

I wish I knew what brought on these mullie-grub viruses. More than that, I wish I knew the cure. I've told you before that I will occasionally psycho-analyze my thoughts and feelings...ok, more than occasionally. So while I'm stuck in this quick-sand, pitty pot, some days I criticize myself for being such a baby. Other times I'll look all around me for someone to blame for the way I feel. I'll bite a few heads off, usually only the heads of people I really love. I'll cry and be sure I'm the only one who feels as bad as I do. I might try talking it over with a couple of people hoping they have a magic cure in their pockets. Eventually, I decide I must just need to sleep more, eat more (or less), pray harder, exercise some, work harder or longer, study God's Word more, and SURELY THEN I'll be better. And while some of those are probably true and even great ideas, how's that working for me right now? It isn't.

It never fails that when I'm overtaken with this yuck, my skin is so thin! Everything hurts my feelings & my fuse is beyond short. I could take a hunk out of some one's flesh with my teeth. (Abby describes it as feeling like she needs to hurt someone with her hands. I LOVE that description!!) Something goes wrong that might go wrong all the time, but today, it's my fault. Someone says something to me that they've said a dozen times before, but today, it cuts right to the bone. A comment at dinner goes something like..."I liked the spaghetti better last time when you didn't put mushrooms in it" and I'm walking to the back door to chunk the entire pot out in the yard!! (I heard my grandmother did that once, how I'd love just one time to do something like that?! Teach them to say ONE word about my food! Ha!)

What is all this about? You know...I still don't know. I'm frustrated. I feel frumpy. I don't like any of my clothes. I'm angry. I still laugh. I'm still functioning. But sometimes I don't even have the "want to" to pick up my shoes and take them to the closet. I'm disappointed. I'm BUSY! I'm hurt. Did I mention angry? I still don't have answers. I still don't feel like a million bucks. But guess what...it's OK! I've decided as a woman I'm just gonna have days like this. I don't have to have answers or be superwoman! I can be MAD if I want to be! I can nurse hurt feelings (or pout, or whine...whatever you want to call it). I can need extra love. I can be whatever I AM and it is OK!

I know where my help comes from and together He'll work me through this. So, moral of the story: If for right now I'm grouchy or whiny...then, you know what, I'm just grouchy & whiny! Today maybe, not so good. Tomorrow though is a new day. Next week is a new week, next month a new month. I WILL be better. That I can KNOW. But for now...watch out! :)

I'm just gonna do it!

I typed this post Oct. 6 and never published it. Today is Nov. 6. How funny, I've been questioning it for a month. Geez! INSECURITY! Satan said..."Angie, come on, really...WHO CARES!?" Today I'm posting it because I say, "Hey Satan, I CARE!" So here it is.

Now I'm sitting down to type another "note" to my invisible audience of none or one or bunches. I'll post it as soon as I finish. :)

Here is the old, never published post...

OK...this is the deal. Off with the masks, away with pretenses. If I'm gonna do this, I'm going to be REAL! Do what? First and foremost, share what God teaches me. And then in doing that share how I feel as a woman, a wife, a mama, a friend...about all that I'm learning as I live. I want to be able to share with you the normal junk that everyone deals with but sometimes we're not so comfortable putting it out there. Only by God's grace and with the power of the Holy Spirit do I put His Word into action in my life. I am far from perfect and just like you I get hurt, mad, lonely, insecure, afraid, excited, selfish, nervous, proud, fulfilled, happy, discouraged & jealous. How cool would it be if by honestly sharing my journey you were more at ease knowing someone else feels just like you! I never want to offend anyone with my attempt to be completely honest. I apologize up front if that happens. Know, my intentions are sincere. I only want you to realize that you aren't alone. We're all on this journey so why not encourage each other along the way? I'm going to type this out just as if we were talking face to face. Hey,we might even develop a relationship! :) I give you my word that I will be completely honest, even when I find out I'm in the wrong. So...let's do this thing!


Hope some sweet person out there benefits. :)

Is there really time...YEP, if it's important!

Life is crazy busy...too busy in fact. When I'm too busy to love on those who mean so much to me then it is time to re-evaluate. Is re-evaluating something everyone does? Or just women? Or is that something only crazy people do? I think I psychoanalyze everything! I haven't gotten so bad that I'm giving meaning to the color underwear I put on each day...but it's getting VERY close! (I know you people out there that DO put meaning into your underwear color choice and I so use you as a marker for my level of insanity!)

This is where I sit. I'm learning that without being intentional about what I'll spend my time doing...things will compete for my time and then those things just TAKE it! I think about my individual "time takers" and I decide that not all the "time takers" in my life are BAD things. After further thought...OK, psychoanalyzing :), I have decided that while it may not be a bad "time taker" it also might not be the RIGHT "time taker". In actuality, if it is the right thing, wouldn't I be giving my time to it rather than having my time taken? See, this can get deep.

I love, I mean LOVE studying the Bible, learning some COOL stuff, and then sharing it with anyone brave enough to sit still for me. I have a few friends in my life who are nice enough to host a "get together" in their homes so that I can live out my passion. As I wrote up the lesson this week it began to take a form that snuck up on me and I didn't even see coming. By the way, it is sooooo amazing when Jesus shows me how powerful He really is and how small I really am. Anyway, as I worked what formed for the lesson was so simple in comparison to my grand vision. How appropriate and true to the nature of God. Why try to complicate things Angie, why?

The scripture was out of Ephesians (3:19) and it was about KNOWING the love of Christ. Without writing out the entire lesson, the main point was this. The "know" used in the verse is learning based on experience. What God taught me this week was, He wants each one of us to experience HIS love. The scripture goes on to say that 'love surpasses knowledge" and that means that His love is beyond our comprehsion, BUT, could it also mean that "knowledge" of Christ isn't enough to have a relationship with him? Can we really "know" His love until we experience His love. I can experience something today and even tell you every detail about it and you may have a really good idea about what it was like. However, until you actually experience the exact same thing, you can't KNOW what it is like. Same is true with Jesus. I can have all the knowledge about Christ that my brain can hold but yet not have really felt His love. We can take this a step further. Suppose I try to slather everyone that comes into my company with all my "knowledge" about Christ and all they leave me knowing is words. (Check out 1 John 3:18) Maybe I'm not allowing Jesus to love others through me because I've gotten carried away with "knowledge".

Hmmm...something for me to psychoanalyze. :) You see, my hearts desire is for everyone I know to leave me feeling loved and to know in any way I can communicate it that Jesus has some mad crazy love for us! I want you to know how important you are to me...how much I love you and how WAY much Jesus loves you! So, some of the "time takers" in my life aren't really bad things but am I spending enough time showing YOU some of Christ's love? Today, my answer would have to be no. Am I going to wear some condemnation over that, NO, I'm just going to try to be more aware.

New item on my to-do list--show YOU some Jesus love! Ha, "to-do list" that's kind-of a slap in the face to this entire post! STOP...leave me alone...I'm trying! :)

....and I Love you!

Let's try blogging...

I've thought about doing something like this for a long time...but somehow it felt arrogant. Like... "I am so knowledgeable and I have sooo much knowledge to share...stop what you are doing and listen to me." Yeah, right, whatever. Not the case. I do however, have this sense that God wants me to share things. Not sure if He had blogging in mind but I say...why not?! I'm willing to give it a try. Any complaints about anything you read here now or in the future...file them with God. He can handle them MUCH better than me!

I journal a lot so this ought to be at least related to journaling...(maybe). Sometimes I'll be spazzing about something or trying to figure out something and decide to get out my paper and write a little note to God or even to other people. Get this...all the confidence I want to have to be able to boldly say things to people...I have it in my journal! Whew! How liberating! I get to say it without paying the consequences for uttering words to someone that I could never take back. Not only does it allow me to vent sometimes when I'm angry or hurt, but it is neat how it helps me think...and hear God. I don't exactly know what I'll end up sharing here and maybe it'll end up being for my eyes only? But my thoughts have been this...if just ONE person is helped by me sharing what God is showing and doing in me...then it is ABSOLUTELY worth it. Besides...God keeps pushing me to something and if you've ever been "nudged" by God, you know as well as I do...you begin to move eventually!

So...here's to blogging... Guess we'll see where and how it goes. I have a lot of learning to do...even now, as I type, I have no clue what I'm doing (other than typing)! :)

There...that wasn't too bad...